Things of the Year, part 2025

Let's piss on 2025's ashes and hope that 2026 is the year that the rich finally need those expensive bunkers they've been buying.

I bought the new(er) Saints Row on sale and it's a lot better than I expected. The hipster shit is annoying but it's not that egregious and some of the writing is really funny. Good variety of side missions too.

I did go back to finish Metroid Prime 4, and even the ending is bad. Throughout my entire playthrough I kept repeating out loud "my god this game is shit, how did they fuck this up so badly?"

Metroid Prime 4: Proof that Nintendo Died with Satoru Iwata

Yet another legacy sequel that is bad at everything except shitting on its own legacy. It's really good at that.

I'm still getting over the fact that there is a remake of The Toxic Avenger that has Peter Dinklage, Kevin Bacon and Elijah Wood money.

I'm genuinely less interested in Resident Evil Requiem now that it's confirmed Leon is in it, firstly because he's overdone and secondly because I hate when whining, entitled bitch gamers get what they were screaming for.

Reminder that the Venn diagram of gamers and nazis is a circle.

Metroid Prime 4 is a bad game.

Metroid Prime 4 has three different control methods and none of them are good. They all have some problem that makes them feel horrible no matter how you reconfigure it. 

It looks like crap with way too much post processing trying to cover up the garbage art direction. It's unbelievable that the first Metroid Prime is still the best looking in the series.

The music almost had me convinced it was good with the title screen, but in game it is shitty and incredibly repetitive. 

And the whole section where you get the stupid motorcycle is so bad that I will never play the game a second time so I never have to go through it again. That's assuming I bother to finish it the first time.

I'm convinced that Nintendo could just never figure out why the West liked Metroid in the first place, so they've decided to ruin it so they can finally stop making these games. And they should. I cannot believe how badly they've fucked this up.

If this and Metroid Dread are the direction they're sticking with, I'm done with the series. And I'm the guy who actually defends Other M. Metroid Prime 4 is probably the worst game I've played in years. The worst since Metroid Dread, in fact.

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Update: There is now a full review of this travesty.

It is 2025. The console wars are over. Sony struggles to look victorious while Microsoft says they're bored of playing and Nintendo is in the backyard eating worms.

I love when Tubi shows me ads for Bounty paper towels in one Asian language I can't decipher and subtitled in another Asian language.

Incubus is nu metal Red Hot Chili Peppers. If the funk influences weren't enough, just look at the shirts. There aren't any.

Holy Infant, so tender and mild. Now available in teriyaki and honey garlic flavours, and coming soon: Flamin' Hot and Crispy Buffalo Holy Infant.

Fantastic Four is pretty good. It's rushed, but it's the first movie in a long time where I had no idea what was going to happen through most of it.

You can usually hear the age in a voice actor's performance as they get older and return to the same characters, but not Frank Welker. That man will always be a 79-year-old mystery-solving teenager.

I'd actually rather rewatch the Netflix "Cowboy Bebop" now. I've seen the anime enough times, and it's like a remix with the added benefit of making weebs irrationally angry.

Tonight's horror movie is Killer Tongue ("Tongue Girl" on Tubi). I didn't expect it to be good but I shouldn't have doubted Melinda Clarke's and Robert Englund's abilities to deliver.

Sure, it's about a killer tongue, but it also has poodles that are turned into human drag queens.

Nobody has been asking me "Are you going to replay Dragon Ball Sparking Zero on Switch 2 with motion controls" and the answer is of course I am because I'm stupid and waste money so I can feel like a big man.

The Scholastic Book Club, Vol 1: Sonic the Hedgehog

My second-ever idea for a recurring feature on this site, wherein I mine my childhood bookshelf for precious content. Because I had to write something before next year's Valentine's Day list to space the articles apart.

I was going to replay Spider-Man 2 but decided to cut out the middleman and just play Spider-Man Web of Shadows on Wii instead.

I always turn subtitles off before starting a game, but I forgot the characters in Still Wakes The Deep are Scottish.

Playing MGSΔ next to the Master Collection version of MGS3, and, yeah, Δ is objectively better in most ways, but it's not as impressive. What they were able to achieve on the PS2 was cool as hell, but what they've achieved on PS5 is just another modern game.

Back when the internet was good, someone would have made a "Wang Chung: Fallen Feathers" joke by now and we all would have laughed.

Brats of the Lost Nebula is like if Jim Henson made Lexx for kids.

I didn't expect Alien: Earth to be good, but it actually manages to be bad in ways I hadn't even predicted.

It was controversial at the time, but I admire Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for representing a diverse cast by their colour.

Every ethnic group was represented:

Black
Asian
Native American
Female
Gay
Long hair

I just tried to watch Young Justice. People seem to love this show, so maybe it gets better. But it would have to be A LOT better, because within 10 minutes I couldn't stand any of the main characters. They're all whining little piss bags.

Doomsday cults in my area

Pluto Nash deserves a sequel.

Tubi currently has three versions of "Hideous!": the film itself, one hosted by Elvira and one hosted by William Shatner.

I saw it when I was young and barely remember it, but on rewatch the writing is actually pretty clever.

[ to the tune of "Blue" by Eiffel 65 ]

Hey look at that
It's a squirrel
Just a little squirrel who flies and has a beak
And his tail's not so fluffy and has feathers too
But that's squirrels
Sometimes
They are kind of weird

Peter Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn't keep her. How many wives could a pumpkin eater keep if a pumpkin eater could keep wives?

Psycho Goreman is like what would happen if you gave Lloyd Kaufman more than $100 to make a movie. That is the highest praise I have ever given.

Why does this screenshot I took from IGN look like the Nostalgia Critic getting glory killed by Doom Guy?

Doom: The Dark Ages is fine, but it would be way better as a sequel to the original Quake. It even has the heavy Lovecraftian influences.

Fun Fact: Harry Potter was bad even before JK Rowling outed herself as a shitty person.

I don't give a care what anyone else says. The 2017 Power Rangers movie is pretty great.

And even if the rest of the movie was bad, making Rita the original Green Ranger would still be a brilliant change.

♫ There she was just a-walkin' down the street, singin' "Iä Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!" ♫

I used to casually watch Outlaw Star on Toonami but couldn't remember anything about it except the awesome theme song and it being kind of like Cowboy Bebop crossed with Trigun and Tenchi Muyo. So I bought the Blu-ray to rewatch it, and I was pretty much right except it's also really boring. Theme song is still awesome, though.

*A pretty woman walks by.* Double Amputee: "She's got legs?" Paraplegic: "And she knows how to use them!?"

I thought I would like Shudder's "Ash", but I can't decide if it was directed, acted and edited badly, or if it was written badly too.

Me: Looks up "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie. Youtube: "Here's Toto - Africa."

Me: =_=

Youtube: :)

What good is a stock market collapse if the CEOs and shareholders aren't jumping out of their windows Hudsucker Proxy-style?

I hooked up my PS3 for the first time in years to try to play the first three Killzone games, and then Shadow Fall on PS4 and Liberation on PSP. There really isn't a single good game in this entire series, is there?

Is Mercenary on Vita even worth mentioning? That's like saying "don't forget the diarrhoea" when you're taking an inventory of all your vomit.

I'm rewatching Resident Evil: Apocalypse for the first time since seeing it in the theatre.

This was always my least favourite in the series, but it's not quite as bad as I remember. Alice and her super powers are still the worst part, sadly. I'm usually all for ridiculous action, but it just isn't done well here. When the movie is focused on Carlos, Jill and the other normies trying to stay alive, it's actually pretty good.

I've spent the weekend fixing most of the problems with the site's display on mobile. It's still not great, but it's a lot better.

I also updated the header to something closer to the final version I'm working on, plus a little more behind the scenes that nobody besides me will notice. The design as a whole is still only about 20% done, but my goal is to make a little more progress each week until it stops being hideous—which is the same goal my mom set regarding me.

No, I don't think I will.

 

The Nintendo Switch 2 announcement is like the Wii U and PS3 combined.

Nintendo dun fucked up the Switch 2 announcement, and it's all about the money.

I just finished reading my first novel in about ten years. "Men in Black: The Green Saliva Blues" by Dean Wesley Smith. It took the MIB to finally undo what five years as an English major ruined in my brain.

I rewatched Men In Black: International last night and it's definitely better than it gets credit for. Its biggest problem is somehow making Chris Hemsworth unlikeable.

I'm watching Lexx for the first time and, yes, it's basically extra-horny Farscape with a quarter of the budget, but it's also a pretty good PlayStation FMV game with pre-rendered backgrounds.

Daredevil: Born Again is lazy garbage

I knew that the new Daredevil series was going to set up Wilson Fisk as a Donald Trump analogue, because that's what lazy writers did the last time the idiotic masses of America voted for their esteemed, pants-shitting, pussy-necked, diarrhoea-drizzler in chief. But Daredevil doing it is particularly bad. Comparing Trump to Fisk gives the real life diaper-filler too much credit. Fisk is an introspective, calculating, criminal mastermind. Trump is a greedy, overweight moron who can't even control his own asshole, but that describes most Americans so they really did elect a man who represents them.

Americans truly are the dumbest gaggle of retards on this short bus of a planet.

Marvel needs to forget about movies and do a live action, episodic Spider-Man TV series.

Dragon Ball DAIMA did the one thing I was hoping it would and brought back Super Saiyan 4

I should be ecstatic, but I'm not a fan of most of the changes they've made.

First, the method of transforming in GT, which required going ape-mode first, was a lot better narratively than Old Man Power-up.

Design-wise, the old black hair colour contrasted with the reddish fur better (which is why it's the one time I don't prefer Gogeta's design over Goku's), and I don't like how the fur stops mid-way down the forearms instead of at the wrists. But it's actually a good change that it doesn't automatically/temporarily make Goku an adult again.

The Sixth Annual Valentine's Day Horror Movie Marathon: Free Streaming Edition

Put on your favourite The Cure album and set the razor blades beside the bath tub because Valentine's Day is here again!

Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat Conquest gets his ass kicked so often, I'm starting to think Kung Lao isn't that great a fighter.

Joy from My Name Is Earl could have been the champion of Earthrealm.

"Voodoo Too" by Godsmack always makes me think of "(More) Beaver Fever" from The Angry Beavers.

Why are rings even a thing? Does everybody not have a panic attack when you effortlessly slide a ring on your finger and then can't just as easily pull it off?

Belle is my favourite Disney princess because we have a lot in common. I also prance around while singing about how all the dumb townies are beneath me.

Not sure why anyone would go to Kung Lao's trading post in MK Conquest when a ninja fight breaks out there every week.

Or maybe it's a selling feature.

"Wanna go to the trading post? There might be ninjas today."

"Eff yeah! I caught a tooth last time!"

Mortal Kombat: Conquest is actually great for a '90s live action fantasy adventure series. It's like Xena but less horny.

Live Watch: Night Swim (2024)

I'm trying something new. Rather than writing a review, I'll be live-blogging my impressions as I watch Night Swim, which I know absolutely nothing about.

Spoilers, obviously.

PC versus console is like BMW versus Hyundai.

A BMW is higher quality, more powerful, will likely last longer if well maintained, and is exclusively driven by douchebags who waste money on useless shit for personal status that only other douchebags care about.

It's fitting that Clark Kent, the boy from Smallville, is now being played by a guy whose name sounds like "corn sweat."

In Quest for Camelot, why is there a sign pointing towards the "Forbidden Forest"? Is it, like, a point of interest?

"Come, see the Forbidden Forest! Except don't because... y'know."

Rewatching Smallville in HD is very illuminating. You can see exactly which actors smoked in the 2000s and which tooth they held the cigarette against.

Lana was a front-right tooth gal, while Whitney's actor was a middle-of-the-road kind of guy.

The world would be a better place if Wikipedia looked like Encarta '96.

FromSoftware should remove invasions from their next game

People who invade in FromSoft games are trolls who derive their fun from ruining other people's progress and experience, and the mechanic should be removed in future games to stop encouraging shitty Gamer behaviour. Any argument the trolls make to try and justify themselves is inherently disingenuous.

So, Metroid Dread is a really bad game, right?

Is that where we collectively landed on it? Nobody talks about it ever since it came out, as if everyone is afraid to say what they really think. The E.M.M.I.s absolutely ruined what might have otherwise been a really dull game anyways.