I review the last great summer blockbuster of 2012 and introduce a brand new ratings scale to the site.
Milla Jovovich vs. The Zombies, Part 5
Even though I have no idea how to correctly pronounce her name, I like Milla Jovovich. That's why I'm happy that the Resident Evil film series has finally hit its fifth entry, with Milla reprising her role as the rogue Umbrella agent Alice. Resident Evil: Retribution is once again directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, whose other credits include the seminal Alien vs. Predator and Mortal Kombat films (I am of course using the definition of "seminal" which means "of, relating to, or denoting semen").
Journey to the Mysterious Island
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island is a sequel to 2008's Journey to the Center of the Earth and, presumably, a prequel to Journey 3: The Search for More Money. I didn't even realize what Journey 2 was sequelizing until I was in the theatre and saw Josh Hutcherson's jawline. But even then I wasn't certain because, no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't see Brendan Fraser anywhere. Instead I was greeted by the rippling muscles, shaved head and perfect white teeth of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Suddenly I knew that this is what my whole life had been leading to, and this is where I was meant to be.
Journey 2 was going to be the greatest film I had ever seen.
The Third Annual Valentine's Day Horror Movie Marathon
It's nearly Valentine's Day and you know what that means! No, it's not time to hang the rope from the ceiling fan again. We covered this last year: you're way too fat for it to support your weight. If you really want to kill yourself you can just keep eating, and then you may at least break a world record while you're at it.
Awesome Promotions
Years ago the Internet used to go all out in celebration of big movie events. Here are three of the best promotional movie websites ever made that are still around or have been archived for your present-day enjoyment.
Alien Shooter 2 (PC)
No, this isn’t going to become another retro review site. I just don’t keep up with new releases, and when you’re writing about a game that’s three months old nobody finds it relevant or endearing. If I want to be hip with the kids I’ve gotta go way back to the far off year of 2006 for my review fodder. That’s the year Alien Shooter 2 was released and is also the year I vowed that, one day, I would take the game’s developer Sigma Team and make them my wife.
The 2nd Annual Valentine’s Day Horror Movie Marathon
Ah, Valentine’s Day!
I’ll be honest: this is the first time in two years that I’ve been without a date for this so-called holiday. Does that make me bitter? Not a chance, because I always have my annual V-Day Horror Movie Marathon to look forward to in lieu of some state-regulated hanky.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)