February 14th is the one day each year when we remind ourselves we're supposed to like other people.
It's Valentine's Day again, so put on your cleanest underwear and sit a respectful distance from me on the sofa as we partake in ritualistic commercial bonding.
This year's horror movie marathon is the "Whatever I found on my shelf" edition because I'm running out of horror films I actually want to watch and there aren't enough left to form a theme around. Will there even be a marathon next year? That depends on how low my standards can drop in the next 365 days, but constantly lowering my standard of what is acceptable is the only way I've managed to survive this long.
Jacob's Ladder
This is the story of a Vietnam War veteran who receives divine assistance from his chiropractor. People often compare it to the Silent Hill series, but I don't remember seeing Tim Robbins stumbling around in the fog to show off his hula hoop design sketches.
 |
| "You know... for kids!" |
I don't normally like hallucinatory horror, but I make an exception for Jacob's Ladder because I missed my high school reunion and still want to know what all the stoners I cut off contact with have been up to as they lurch between moments of lucidity and LSD flashbacks.
Storm of the Century
Yes, I know this is a mini-series. I was going to make Needful Things this year's Stephen King pick, but I like Storm of the Century better. I only have an old VHS copy recorded from when it aired on the Sci Fi channel though, and I didn't want to dig out my old VCR and hook up a TV I can actually plug it into, so I had to find the movie for free on YouTube. The video quality is exactly the same, and luckily nobody cares about the copyright on movies 90% of people haven't heard of and 9% don't remember.
This is the only 1% I'll ever be a part of, but when a creepy old guy comes to an island and starts asking for children, at least I'll know what to do.
 |
| "Born in sin, come on in." |
Sleepy Hollow
Starring Johnny Depp as one of his three characters, Christopher Walken totally wasted in a non-speaking role, and Christina Ricci as a blonde just to confuse all the goth kids. It also has Alfred from the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman films, and Jeffrey Jones, the pedophile who makes it awkward to rewatch a lot of great movies like Stay Tuned. At least Beetlejuice 2 had the sense to kill off his character, but Sleepy Hollow killed him before it was cool.
 |
| "I'll get drive-thru." |
Ghost
You may be thinking the 1990 Patrick Swayze vessel Ghost isn't a horror movie and that I've already run out of films to include, but you've clearly forgotten about the wailing shadow demons that drag the villains to hell.
That's all I really remember about the movie, besides the scene where Swayze gets handsy with Demi Moore while possessing Whoopi Goldberg.
 |
| "Roadhouse." |
That's it for this Valentine's Day, but I'll be back next year unless something truly miraculous happens and I have something better to do on February 14 like being dead.
Post a Comment