I've just started playing Tribes 2 again via Tribes Next, so I'm in just the right mood to get excited about this teaser trailer for Tribes: Ascend. It has everything you could want: jetpacks, classic weapons like the spinfusor, and it only sort of looks exactly like Halo Reach.

I do have one qualm, however: Tribes' visual style has always been very colourful, but the new game is built on Unreal Engine 3, which means that everything looks dull and hazey because of way too much HDR lighting. It's possible that the developers at Epic all have cataracts and can't see properly, but when I go outside (it happens) I often notice that the real world looks nothing like Gears of War or Bulletstorm. You can argue that the style of those games isn't meant to be realistic, but it would help your case if the style were actually good.

You've probably heard that Cars 2 sucks, so now Pixar is going to rip off Dreamworks' How to Train Your Dragon, which I always thought was a movie about masturbation. People have been accusing Dreamworks of ripping off Pixar for years, though, so does this mean that Pixar is actually ripping itself off now?

Who fucking cares? I'm 24. These movies aren't being made for me anymore. I'm too old to admit that I liked Toy Story or cried when Shrek and Donkey were fighting. Now leave me alone while I watch Ponyo for the six-thousandth time.

I don't want to see Green Lantern because literally everything in it except for Ryan Reynolds is CGI, and when I say "literally" I always mean it in the literal sense even when it's not.

A large part of what ruined the Star Wars prequels was George Lucas's insistence on using CGI for goddamn everything. The Phantom Menace is the fourth best Star Wars film because it was the last time that they bothered to construct sets.

As for Reynolds, I really don't hate him as much as I make it seem like I do. I just think that he needs to stop trying to break out of romantic comedies, because anything he ever stars in ends up feeling like a RomCom anyway. As far as I can tell Wolverine is a heart-warming tale about a couple of colonial boys who find love on the battlefield.

This post was supposed to be about the new Muppets movie, though, so let's see . . . I like the new Muppets movie because it has puppets instead of CGI and Jason Segel instead of Ryan Reynolds. Actually, Reynolds may legitimately work for this one. Segel isn't that good anyway, so maybe we can just dub Ryan Reynolds in with CG—oh god, what have I become?

I'm sure that's what you wanted to wake up to this morning: me talking about my erect boy parts.

The first trailer for DmC got my panties wetter than Japan in a tsunami, and with this second video from E3 the game continues to impress. This is only the second date but I'm already set to get down on my knees and show Dante why Hell is overrated.

Resident Evil: Revelations for the 3DS actually looks a lot like Cold Fear, which is an extremely underrated horror game from Ubisoft. I used to say that Cold Fear is what Resident Evil 4 should have been like, so I'm actually quite happy with what I've seen of Revelations so far—besides Jill's morbidly obese partner and the zombies with fat dicks in their mouths, of course.

Operation Raccoon City is the cool, third-person, squad-based shooter being developed by Slant Six Games that isn't as much like Left 4 Dead as you think. It looks more like a tactical team deathmatch with zombies thrown in for good measure. It's like if the developers of Left 4 Dead had finished copy/pasting Team Fortress 2's controls and adding zombie A. I. and then decided to make an actual game around it.

I've embedded one more gameplay video of RE:ORC on the next page.

Continue Reading . . .

I'm a long-time Resident Evil fan, but I haven't been able to get excited (that's what she said) for a new game in the series for a long time. RE4 was a lot of fun but fucking stupid and RE5 was just a Gears of War clone with a liberal helping of dat ass.

So I hope that Operation Raccoon City can turn things around. At the very least it can't be worse than The Umbrella/Darkside Chronicles.

This has to be the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen, and I've seen all four Critters movies.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is a remake of an . . . American film? You've got to be kidding me. When was the last time an American did a good job at anything?

Actually, the remake is from Guillermo del Toro, so it should be good. I'm sure that, in the end, it'll turn out like Pan's Labrynth and the creatures just want to be friends and make the little girl their princess or something. That'll be my happy thought while I finish watching the trailer. I wonder what could be under the bed sheet? Is it kittens? . . .

(Update: It wasn't kittens.)