It’s time to make like K-Fed and please Britney with your fingers!

Seriously though, this had potential. It really did. Had they waited until the Great Wii Craze of ’06-’08, not only could this have possibly done much better than it did, but it could have even helped Britney rise from the abyss.

This game did two things very wrong: first, this kind of "dancing to the beat" kind of game is meant for a Power Pad/Dance Pad setup, so using a D-Pad to control your moves to Britney’s awful music is as stupid as thinking you’ll become an expert sniper by playing Silent Scope with a D-Pad. Secondly, the horrid and soulless plastic CGI models of every generic player, including Britney’s model, are just about as inappropriate. With the technology today, this kind of game would do much better with a digitized look and scheme similar to Target: Terror or Deal or No Deal.

I guess it’s entirely possible the development team didn’t have their dicks outside of Britney’s bacteria-filled vagina long enough to do a thorough motion capture session, so I can understand that. You can only imagine the disappointment felt by her father, Randy Spears. I give it

If you want an example of why people who are in their late 20s to mid 30s enjoyed games in the ’80s and ’90s and hate most of them now, look no further than this.

Every single step of the way from the moment you turn the power on is filled with load times, mandatory tutorials, a vast majority of courses to unlock, horrible pop music soundtrack, and the namesake of a cablackichineseishasshole. Sitting down and playing for... what do they call it... fun?... is practically out of the question, and the only redeeming value the game has is its Create-a-Golfer (asshole) mode, where I made a 7’, 310-lb asshole jew complete with hooknose and overbite, who I aptly named BitchTits.

Thing is, I know that I have the mirror-image-opposite mindset of a golfer (asshole), so I’m guessing golfers (assholes) would love this game if they liked video games, which they don’t.

I give this gayme One Not Even Slightly Attractive Tiger Woods Mistress.

SNES loyalists rejoice!

I have a love/hate thing going with gayme forums, because the vast majority of them are full of biased "gamers" who, as people posting on a forum with a high-speed internet connection and functional computer, were likely well-to-do ’burb dwellers who supported the SNES exclusively in the 1990s and avoided sports games altogether, yet preach their one-dimensional taste in the latest and greatest as if it’s the gospel, and if they ever get the urge to do a "retro" review, will immediately give you a revisionist history lesson that flatly claims "Nintendo won the ’16-Bit Wars’" which is a lot like saying "I’m a fag" but with different wording.

One major detail they almost always miss as a result of a complete avoidance of the genre is how Sega trounced Nintendo in the sports game arena. Often the very best Nintendo could do with any given identical EA Sports game is match the Genesis version as best it could and hope nobody notices how many of those attempts are broken beyond repair.

Madden ’93 is, by default, among the very best sports games on the console, because it’s pretty much the exact same game as its Genesis counterpart, and even supports SNES audio! Therefore, you could make an argument that it might unbelievably manage to be SUPERIOR to the Sega version!

The game itself has absolutely nothing wrong with it, save for the lack of NFL team license, so if you’re going to get a sports game, you might as well defy the odds this once. To draw a more appropriate, Psycho Gorilla Games-esque comparison, it’s like if you were banging some girl who has an identical twin, and a few weeks in, you discover that the twin does anal. Fuck her and feign ignorance!

The full title of this game is Chakan: The Forever Man. The subtitle is as appropriate as you can get, because this game indeed takes FOREVER to finish. It has a lot going for it, with a variety of weaponry, creative layouts and enemy designs, nonlinear gameplay, you name it. It does "creative" the way it’s supposed to be done. Still, even as somewhat of a purist, I’ve never been one for complaining about difficulty, lack of checkpoints, lack of save spots, lack of a save feature altogether, etc., but if you’re going to make the complaint, this game is where you have a point. Yes, it’s tough, but most of the challenge comes from making free time, because you essentially have infinite lives.

The levels are all relatively short, but when you add them up, there are 24 of them, and it will take you hours upon hours to memorize the layouts, execute attacks without dying, and grab everything you need to advance. A beginner could spend a 2-hour block playing Chaka Khan and only manage to finish 3 or so of the 24 levels. To finish this game effectively, you’ll need to do one of two things:

1. Forsake all responsibility, hygiene (showers, eating, brushing teeth, etc), and life itself, devote all your time to this game, and if something DOES come up, pause and leave it on to the point where the Genesis becomes a block of magma.
2. Use the codes found all over the internet as makeshift save points and continue where you left off another day.

Those who have finished legit can only brag about spending every waking hour for days on end on Chakan, which I admit is impressive in itself. Either way, it’s unique and very Sega-ish, especially the music! And that ending!

As somebody who plays RPGs on occasion, and finding myself getting more and more ashamed of ever having done that at any point in my life the older I get, after playing Gothic for an extended period of time I can finally come to an important conclusion about that phenomenon. That conclusion is this: RPGs belong in the hands of nerdy white people, never leaving their obsessive, anchovy-pussy-smelling clutches, and never leaving the realm of sword-and-sorcery.

Every single aspect of this game reeks of an escapist, idealistic fantasy world, and it does it as well as you could think. That’s important to know, because this game came out at almost the exact same time as the abominable tragedy known as Final Fantasy X. I could even argue that Gothic justifies every PC purist who turns his nose up at the very thought of console games.

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At first glance, Air Diver appears to be nothing more than another run-of-the-mill After Burner clone with a large portion of the screen junked up by fixed cockpit graphics, and if you just stopped at that, you would be mostly right. But if you sit down and play for a second, you’ll notice something. That something is a missile blowing your ass to pieces.

I enjoyed Star Fox 64, with my only misgiving being its somewhat pushover challenge. The few redeeming challenges in it consisted of the Star Wolf dogfights, where you’re chased, harassed, and blown out of the sky unless you’re slick as hell. Air Diver, on the other hand, is NOTHING BUT THAT. Imagine if Star Wolf consisted of dozens of enemy fighters, all trying to maneuver behind you and locking on and blowing the shit out of your engine’s hopes and dreams, then taking the belt to you and locking you in your room to think about what you’ve just done.

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Being able to spell or pronounce this title’s name is by far the hardest task you’ll have throughout the (s)experience, but aside from that, this is a pretty solid survival horror/mystery/thriller type of game. Even though it’s heavily story-oriented, you can skip cutscenes and get right down to fucking with hick town fishermen who look almost as scary as a modern day Liz Taylor while talking to yourself and eventually going flat-out fucknuts crazy, which is kind of what people really do on the east coast anyway.

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