Hey, look! It's River Song's life in chronological order! Except, since everything occurs in the opposite general order of the natural flow of time, I guess this would be reverse-chronological, or anti-chronological. I had an Auntie Chronological, but she could never keep track of time. Ha-ha!

I do realize that this is the second day in a row that I've reposted something I found on Topless Robot, but give me a break. I'm not really into this blogging shit. I'm like the girl from The Craft who was only hanging out with the wicca girls because she didn't have any other friends, but then she turned out to be the most powerful one in the end. Just like that, except in my version I get to totally lez out with Fairuza Balk.

I'm the worst kind of Doctor Who fan (and also shit at segueing to a new paragraph, but that's a different story). I've seen about a dozen of the Matt Smith episodes and really liked those, but I'm not dedicated enough to track down the older episodes or wait for them to re-air. So I go on Wikipedia and read the story synopsis to fill in the blanks, and then go to forums and argue with real fans who have actually seen the show. If I were to make a face while doing this, it would look something like this:

In 2010 Kevin Tancharoen created a mock-trailer for a realistic Mortal Kombat film starring Michael Jai White and Jeri Ryan as Jackson "Jax" Briggs and Sonya "Sugar Lips" Blade, and it was good. So, in 2011 Tancharoen was hired by Warner Bros. to direct nine online episodes of Mortal Kombat: Legacy, a semi-realistic take on the Mortal Kombat universe, once again featuring White and Ryan in their respective roles, plus Battlestar Galactica's Tahmoh "Helo" Penikett and a bunch of other people nobody's ever heard of. Some of the episodes were good, like "Scorpion and Sub Zero," but others were Tarantino-inspired crap, like "Kitana & Mileena."

Now Warner Bros. is giving Tancharoen the chance to direct a new, full-length film based on his vision of Mortal Kombat and … that's good? Bad? Was the web series really good enough to warrant further expansion? I don't know. Every new stage in the development of Tancharoen's version of MK has required resetting the concept back to the beginning. At first Scorpion was going to be a modern-day assassin, but then he was frozen by Quan Chi in feudal Japan. Baraka (Obama?) was going to be a crazed plastic surgeon, but then he was a demon. Johnny Cage was going to be working undercover for the police, but then he was a Power Ranger. Do you see what I'm getting at? The movie probably won't jump off from where the web series ended, either, because that would confuse anyone who hasn't been following the development, so what was the point in investing ourselves in Tancharoen's series to begin with?

I guess what I'm feeling is just a little betrayed, a little angry, and kind of hungry. Hopefully the film can satisfy each of those.

Via Topless Robot.

I wholeheartedly blame everyone but me for this. You guys loved your Humble Bundles so much that they spawned a copycat. IndieRoyale is this new bastard's name, and there are some important features that you need to be aware of before you let your daughter go on a date with this new service.

Bundles are released periodically and instead of letting you set any price for the games on offer, as the Humble Bundle does, there's actually a minimum amount that slowly creeps upward. You can pay more than the minimum and force the price back down for others, but why would anyone ever do that?

So, the guys running IndieRoyale are cleverly disguised assholes, which is actually great. They slowly raise the price of each bundle and rely on the generosity of others to reduce it, which means that they're going to be making no less than infinity dollars. They also don't bother with any of that "charity" nonsense, because fuck kids. No, not in that way. Stop fucking that child! You don't know where it's been!

You just missed the IndieRoyale Launch Bundle, but that's okay because it wasn't that good. Gemini Rue is sort of interesting if you're the type who swears that ScummVM is the best game engine ever created, and Sanctum is an all right tower defense game, but nothing too special. The next bundle starts in nine days and is titled "the Difficult 2^nd Bundle," so I'm assuming the games will be hard or something. Unlike your penis, which I hear is quite soft even in the bedroom. Hiyo!

Hold onto your self esteems, kids, because there's more!

The Humble Bundle jackasses have teamed up with something called a Lexaloffle and now you can buy a game called Voxatron for whatever price you want. Voxatron is an arcadey-style shooter with voxel graphics and a level editor, so in other words it's pretty sweet. But allowing people to name any price for it is exactly the sort of bullshit I've come to expect from the independent gaming community. They're on a mission to subvert capitalism! You can't just leave food on a plate and tell people that they can pay for it if they really want to. How will anyone get rich doing that!?

This whole thing makes me sick and I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Click here to check out IndieRoyale

Click here to buy Voxatron

Those Humble Bundle jerks are at it again, trying to con honest gamers out of their hard earned money for charity. Can you believe they have the nerve to allow you to name your own price on a bunch of independent games and then decide how that money is split up between the developers and various charitable and non-profit organizations?

This time those motherfuckers are offering the acclaimed turn-based tactical game Frozen Synapse, and if you pay more than the current average price you'll also get the Humble Frozenbyte Bundle, which includes the very good game Trine. Those bastards!

I'm sorry, but this is simply too infuriating for me to go on. If you want to learn more about this bullshittingly good deal, you'll have to check out the Humble Bundle website for yourself.

One quickly learns that, in the world of PC gaming, if you don't like Steam then you can go right to hell. I have accepted Valve's digital distribution and DRM device as a necessary part of my life now, and soon we'll be stuck in a loveless marriage with six kids and no way out other than death. Or I could buy a Playstation 3.

With that out of the way I can talk about Steam's daily deal from now on without having to flaggelate myself afterward.

For today and today only Mirror's Edge is available for $5.00. That's 75% off the regular price of $19.99, which is far too much to charge for a game that was described by critics and players as "sort of good." Five bucks seems like just the right price for this one, don't you think? Don't leave a comment if you agree with me. Oh, would you look at that. Everyone agrees.

Buy Mirror's Edge for $5.00 on Steam

Weekend at Bernie's: a film about two guys who pretend that their dead boss is alive in order to take advantage of the sweet party and sexy babes that are concurrently going down at their boss's beach house. A work of pure fiction, or a stunning portrayal of reality over two decades before it happened?

Jeffrey Jarrett died last month. […] Two of his friends, Robert Young and Mark Rubinson, allegedly loaded his body into a car, hit a bar in Denver then another one in Aurora, before finally taking Jarrett, 43, home.

Rubinson, 25, and Young, 43, then ended their night at Shotgun Willie’s in Glendale, but without Jarrett. They then allegedly took $400 out of Jarrett’s account. (CBS Denver)

It's true when they say that life imitates art. I can't wait for the sequel when Jeffrey Jarrett's body is cursed by a voodoo sorceress and starts walking toward buried treasure whenever there's music playing.

Note: I know that I'm not the first person to connect this story to Weekend at Bernie's, but I can say with certainty that I'm the first person who's bothered to photoshop the heads of the perpetrators onto a promotional image for the film.

Hey, remember how much you thought Duke Nukem Forever sucked? There's a cure for that. It's called replaying Duke Nukem 3D, which is pretty much the only Duke Nukem game anyone remembers. That's the full, clinical name for it. Freaking windbag doctors and their latin, am I right?

This weekend Duke Nukem 3D is available for $2.99 at GOG.com—as are the rest of the Apogee games in the GOG catalogue, but no one really cares about those—so now would be a great time to remind yourself why you ever cared about Duke in the first place. DN3D was like Doom but with fewer morals. Actually, it was exactly like Duke Nukem Forever: puerile, sexist and technologically behind the times. It just goes to show that critics are fucking idiots. Yes, I'm talking about you, Ars Technica's Ben Kuchera.

Buy Duke Nukem 3D for $2.99 at GOG.com