It's nearly Valentine's Day and you know what that means! No, it's not time to hang the rope from the ceiling fan again. We covered this last year: you're way too fat for it to support your weight. If you really want to kill yourself anyway you can just keep eating, and then you may at least break a world record while you're at it.

I'm talking about the annual Valentine's Day Horror Movie Marathon! The one reliable feature that I contribute to this site because I literally have an entire year to prepare it in advance. So if anything happens between April 25, 2011 and February 14, 2012, you can bet that this article will totally ignore it! That's just my commitment to you, the reader.

This year, in honour of the recent DVD release of the prequel to The Thing and breaking the commitment I made just two sentences ago, it's going to be an all Who Goes There?-themed marathon! I won't expect that you've read the original novella that these three films are based on, however, because I know that you're illiterate.

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Merry Christmas and happy Jew Christmas, everyone! I won't be staying long as there is a Doctor Who marathon on the Space channel today and I don't have anything to post about by way of a Christmas Aftermath this year. Not that I didn't receive any good gifts, but none of them would be particularly interesting to you geeks. A sure sign of age is getting nothing but clothes for Christmas and simultaneously getting everything you asked for.

So, I just thought I'd pop in to wish a happy holidays and be mildly offensive toward the Jews. If you need me, I'll be the incredibly well-dressed man on the couch with a glass of whiskey and watching the BBC's take on The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Ah, Valentine’s Day!

I’ll be honest: this is the first time in two years that I’ve been without a date for this so-called holiday. Does that make me bitter? Not a chance, because I always have my annual V-Day Horror Movie Marathon to look forward to in lieu of some state-regulated hanky.

Last year, after watching The Night Flier and waxing nostalgic about The Mist and 1408, I proposed making 2011’s celebrations all about Stephen King books-to-flicks, and I’ll be damned if I’m not a man of my word. I’m also a man of constant sorrow, an international man of mystery and a manly, manly, man.

So this year we’ll all be hailing to the King, baby. If you want to participate in the marathon but haven’t heard of a single Stephen King film other than Pet Cemetery, here’s a list of great movies to get you started. Just don’t come crawling into my room late at night and ask to sleep in my bed.

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Christmas isn’t always an ideal season for me, but this year was much more normal than most. Gifts were given and received in a spirited manner, and very few people were insulted by my referencing of the birth of zombie Jesus, which is what this holiday is all about.

I myself had a bountiful haul this year, bringing in some of the best gifts I’ve ever received. I’d like to thank all of my family and friends for these amazing gifts. If I left anything out, it’s because I’m drunk and really shouldn’t be blogging at this ungodly hour.

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Valentine’s Day is great when you’re in a relationship. You get to show that special someone how much you care through gifts of overpriced novelty items that will be thrown out or put in storage by the following week. And, if you’re really lucky, you can also blow $70 on a single meal at a two-star restaurant!

If you’re single, you get to complain about how stupid Valentine’s Day is, and how it’s just another corporate holiday designed to suck money from the wallets of men. You probably also hate Christmas, birthdays and happiness.

Both situations suck, so why not make the most out of the day—whether you’re single or attached—by watching some of the best horror movies ever made? If you’re with a lover you’re guaranteed to receive plenty of scare-cuddles (and the amazing scare-sex that follows), and if you’re unhitched you can still get together with your single friends for an awesome night of the macabre.

This year at The 34th Dimension, we’re having the First Annual Valentine’s Day Horror Movie Marathon, including each of the four great films listed below. If you’re hard up for ideas of what to watch, here’s a great point to jump off from.

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