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Ra is the Egyptian god of gods, the great Sun god himself. You know, I think there’s a lot to be said for worshipping something you can physically see and feel. On one level, you’ve got idols like the Golden Calf, which Moses promptly made his bitch by throwing The Ten Commandments at it. "Thou Shalt Not Not Get Fucked Up By My Throwing Shit At You!" said Moses in what he thought was a clever eleventh Commandment before Old Testament God (OTG) told him to leave the wit to the more omniscient beings. On the other hand, the sun is RIGHT FUCKING THERE. You can look right at it, and it can blind you, and if you stay outside for too long, it burns the fuck out of you. Also, unlike the more philosophical notions of God working in mysterious ways if you or a family member happens to get some form of cancer, Ra can just fucking give it right to you Himself and claim direct responsibility. Many celebrities, including Hulk Hogan and Super Macho Man and even Macho Man Randy Savage have been worshipping Him for years.

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"If our religion claims of us fortitude of soul, it is more to enable us to suffer than to achieve great deeds." - Niccolo Macchiavelli

"If I’m gonna worship something, it better carry a big-ass hammer with which shit will be fucked up." - Psycho Gorilla

Anybody familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous is familiar with the concept of a Higher Power—that is, that the disease of alcoholism is so dominating that one man or woman alone cannot possibly have the power to overcome it without faith, without belief in something, anything more powerful than themselves. Conversely, the human condition is such that this same principle can apply in being a crutch for oh, say, the genocide of jews or natives, slaughtering children, or other forms of hatred towards any and every brown person ever. It’s okay though, because GOD TOLD ME TO. It’s true, ask Him. You didn’t get that answer? You didn’t ask hard enough, fag.

The point is, although religion can be very beneficial to folks who are down and out, it can also be twisted and corrupted to the point of pure evil. Guess what? People are going to fuck up one way or another. That’s a given. To cite a Three Amigos! reference, a stretching of the truth may be one person’s El Guapo, while another person’s El Guapo might be... oh, I don’t know, being a child molester. Sorry, in Michael Jackson’s case he made love to them, so it wasn’t technically a problem.

But hey, I’m all about religious tolerance. One guy’s Allah can be another guy’s Buddha, I say. But one thing’s for sure: if I’m going to get any use out of my old college majors at all, then I might as well put them to use in the most clever way I can think of: TO WORSHIP ALL OF THEM AT ONCE.

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