I know you're probably wondering, "Well, where exactly is the god in the picture?"  I'll get to that.

DESCRIPTION:

Kami, the gods of the Shinto religion in Japan, are seen as personified deities, forces of nature, spirits, angels, demons, etc.  They're essentially the same thing as the Greek and Roman gods, only way, way lazier in execution of their representative forces.  Blacktually, they're closer to those Injun spirits we're supposed to recognize, or at least give some effort in recognizing them, like when your Injun guide tells you to put your ear to the ground and listen for Earth spirits while he gets off his horse and steals your liquor.  

Credit should go out to the Greeks for at least going through the effort of making massive, intimidating statues illustrating that your god has a huge dick and can throw lightning bolts at you.  Shintoism kind of insinuates that maybe you should consider, ever so slightly, to donate some ca$h to a temple for no real reason other than the fact that there are paper ribbons hanging in the place.  THEY'RE NATURE.  Fags.  

Even the effort of making a temple is half-assed for the Kami.  If the old Pagan gods got to have a 36,000-square-foot palace, the Kami got the equivalent of a dog house, which just points out even more that when people refer to Chinese-ish people as dogs, they have more of a point than the other way around.  The fact that you can just as easily make up a Kami for a dog just proves the point even further.

METHOD OF WORSHIP:

The closest thing I can think of to really pay my respects to any respective Kami is to do it the Old Testament sort of way: panhandling.  That "old time religion" is great at one thing, and that's taking people's hard-earned money hand over fist.  Kami seem to be a lot lighter in their poor-people-fucking ways.  Since we're not talking omniscient beings here, we just have to assume that some Kami are FUCKING EVERYWHERE and just be paranoid about offending anybody at any time at any place.  That guy just slapped you in the face?  Don't retaliate!  A Kami is in the bushes!  A Kami IS the bush! It's a bush god!  Instead, goofily smile, bow your head while making a prayer gesture with your hands, and offer him a ride on your gaijin rickshaw.  You'll be glad you did.  As for myself, once the ride is over, I'll pay tribute to the Kami of wallet-stealing and stabbing.

DESCRIPTION:

Isis is the ancient Egyptian goddess of maternity and fertility.  She is known as a friend of sinners, the down and out, slaves, and generally low in life, while still listening to the prayers of the rich and powerful.  In other words, she's the original working class hero.  

She protects the dead in the afterlife while still being directly representative of the beginning of life itself, and legends tell of her power of resurrection by gathering body parts and putting them together like Dr. Frank N. Stein would do thousands of years later. Had they focused more on the legal system 5000 years ago, she could have gotten together with the jews and sued the fuck out of both him and Jesus for encroaching on her intellectual property.  

Concepts of resurrection and eternal life were symobolized via blood, roses, etc, but I just like to generalize and simplify by saying "pussy," which I think Buddha was getting at anyway.  She is most well-known today through the bodily resurrection of her human form, Isis Love (not even close to safe for work).  She was also a real asskicker in her guest appearance in Final Fantasy Legend II, and it's no coincidence that was one of the better Square games, since it indirectly promoted pussy for once before the whole company collectively came out of the closet.

METHOD OF WORSHIP:

As seems to be common with many of the gods of pre-Christianity, I appreciate the promotion of pussy and motherhood, leading me to logically assume I can fuck around as much as I want and as irresponsibly as I feel the need, since Isis mentions nothing of fatherhood (I'm 2000 percent sure I'm not the father, Murray).  

The worship of Isis on a cult level consisted of controlling weather and understanding the meaning of dreams, so my only real responsibility will be to do the same job as every paid meteorologist.  I'll wildly guess from day to day, blaming other gods like Tengri in case I'm ever wrong.  With the interpretation part, I'll be informing the girl with huge tits at the bar that her dream about fucking her father that's been bothering her so much was because of deep-rooted daddy issues and a desire to be with a real man, so let that nature free and get that Kung Pao Pussy working on my resErection (I'm still wearing my straw hat).  Results to follow.

DESCRIPTION:

Buddha is pretty much a fatter, balder Jesus who likes to sit around under waterfalls, visit prostitutes, perform services for prostitutes, and generally believes it's okay to become a prostitute, as it's one of the few things women are good for.  He has many disciples who also like to sit around under waterfalls on occasion, and very frequently go around kicking people.

In some ways, he's more a cross between Jesus and Biff Tannen, both of whom came later in history, so bow down to the original owner of the Pleasure Paradise.  His "live and let live" attitude meets the approval of every oppressive Chinese-ish dynasty ever, because he mostly just sits around while any kind of mass slaughter gets underway.  In fact, Tokugawa heavily promoted Buddhism after slaughtering lots and lots of Japanese Christians.

To give you a quick idea of Buddhism, it's basically all about life sucking and living to the point of divine nothingness.  You can find out more through research or by asking an elderly Chinese-ish guy on the street.  While you're at it, ask him to teach you karate.

On a spiritual level, Buddhism has a lot of similarities to Christianity, only without the televangelists begging for money on half of the channels you get on a digital receiver box.  Clearly, Buddhism must have a lot going for it, because billions of Chinese-ish folks can't be wrong, just stereotypically hilarious to make fun of with their Rs and Ls and little straw hats.

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DESCRIPTION:

Time personified, Chronos is the reason for every oppressive boss threatening to fire you for being one minute late, and on the flip side, is the reactionary inspiration for CPT.  He has also inspired some very good Square games, one of them an overrated classic and another underrated gem. Numerous sources of criticism stem from His poor treatment of Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor, although rumor has it He is very good friends with Huey Lewis, who has looked the exact same since birth.  He is probably best known as his alias, Father Time, for His intense chess matches with Papa Smurf.

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DESCRIPTION:

The Aztec "snake woman" goddess of fertility, motherhood and warfare. Something about the Aztecs is just lazy when they lump fertility and warfare into one deity. I mean, at least make those two separate gods, unless the point of the whole thing was to illustrate to all of us that "love is a battlefield," a lesson clearly taken to heart by Pat Benatar while getting kicked out of her parents’ house by Nathan Arizona. Regardless, various sources seem to give her credit for creating humanity, promoting childbirth, then killing those humans in a warlike savagery, leading my expert anal-ysis to assume she was unofficially the first goddess of partial-birth abortion.

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DESCRIPTION:

You know those adventure/sci-fi shows, when they have those episodes where they encounter a primitive native tribe who inevitably worships one of them or the show’s villain as a god, often complete with carved totem pole in his/her/its name? Well, that’s what I’m doing this week with Steven Seagal. This seems very appropriate this week, since we finally got Bin Laden via Navy SEAL assault, and I have reason to believe it was Seagal Himself who took him out. Actor, musician, martial arts master and all-around invincible superhero, Seagal has had a very successful run this past year, being 2 for 2 in teaching UFC fighters how to destroy their opponents, single-handedly wristlocking terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden to death (don’t believe the news stories, that’s how it really happened, trust me, I was there), and busting perps as a New Orleans lawman. Notice how, in His movies, He never gets hurt or even scratched. Also notice how He’s irresistable to all women. That’s no coincidence; the man is no mere man. Also, in his never-released SNES game, Steven Seagal is the Final Option, it is literally impossible to die. He is the real-life Karnov.

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DESCRIPTION:

The Mongolian God of the Sky, Tengri is a lot like Ra in that you can physically see Him as the sky, clouds, storms and especially lightning. The biggest difference between them, however, is that Tengri is a lot more likely to kill you instantly if you piss Him off. The best thing about Tengri is how you can easily attach any morals of the day to a thunderstorm to scare stupid people or kids into thinking they caused His anger.

FATHER: "Son, did you see that lightning bolt completely eradicate that tree over there?"

SON: "Yes father."

FATHER: "So I hope you remember that the next time you’re so slow in fetching me that remote control. Tengri wasn’t happy with your lazy ass on that one, so I guess that must’ve been a message directly to you."

SON: "Yes sir."

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