I'm not really a comic book fan, but I do like movies that are based off of them. In fact, I like movies that are based off of all types of books. Because I'm illiterate.

Up until this point the X-Men movies were two for four. Bryan Singer did an amazing job with the first two, but when he left to direct Superman Returns I don't think the crew ever forgave him because they immediately began shitting on his legacy. What they did to Hugh Jackman in X-Men Origins is unthinkable: they actually paired him with Ryan Reynolds. I hadn't seen Hollywood justice carried out like that since they did the same thing to Wesley Snipes in Blade Trinity.

So does X-Men: First Class bring back the former glory of the franchise, or is it another failed comeback attempt fueled by the need for cocaine and sluts like The Wiggles' reunion tour?

Here are these two guys named Charles and Magneto. Charles is really smart and also a telepath, which means that he can read people's minds—so he's probably not smart at all and just stole all of his test answers from the asian kid in his class. Asians are really smart, but it is unlikely that most of them are telepaths.

Charles enjoys drinking, sleeping with women and being in a wheelchair.

Charles is friends with Magneto who is a very bad guy, except he's not bad yet because right now they're just friends. But Magneto wants to be more than just friends with Charles, so he kills some Nazis and they become frenemies.

Magneto likes to wear a purple cape because it makes him look menacing.

This is Kevin Bacon who is also a very bad guy but was pretty good in Footloose. He wants to kill all humans because he's a mutant and some mutants are just dicks like that. He's also a former Nazi and I hear they're all kinda dicks as well, but don't quote me on that since I got the information from a Jew and they're sort of biased about the whole thing.

If you're wondering why such a well known actor from the 1980s is now playing a comic book villain, you probably weren't alive during the '80s. All celebrities from that era are now being punished for what they did to fashion, music and Kiefer Sutherland.

Now here is a pair of tits which, like any tits, are only useful when they're on display. These tits appear often throughout the film and have the power to turn their nipples into diamonds when they get cold and they can also read minds like Charles does.

I don't see what use a pair of mind-reading tits could have other than knowing when to bring you another beer; but diamond-hard nipples have endless applications, like opening jars and cutting the tags off of sweaters, so I can understand why they'd be kept around.

Normally tits such as these are just what a movie needs; however, these tits are very poor at delivering their lines and should be sent back to acting school before they ruin yet another movie with Kevin Bacon in it. I'm looking at you, Hollow Man.

Finally we have the rest of the X-Mens, whose names (from left to right) are Hell Boy, The Blue Jew, Zack from Saved by the Bell, The Black Asian and Down Syndrome Girl. Only two of these characters are members of the Blue Man Group.

Contrary to popular belief, X-Men: First Class is not a movie about transsexuals with a large travel budget. It's about some mutants who, instead of being born without arms and legs, have cool powers that let them fight and/or commit crime. It takes place during the Cold War which is a time when the United States and Soviet Union were having a slap fight about who was better at screwing over their own people. The United States liked to do it by promising everyone that they could be rich but then only letting a couple of people get rich while the others turn to Oprah for guidance; and the Soviet Union promised that everyone could be equal but then made some people more equal than others because somebody has to tell everyone what to do or else how would you know who's in charge?

The X-Men don't like that the United States and Soviet Union are fighting all the time—"You're tearing this family apart!" is what they probably said. So they come up with a plan to make everyone stop fighting by locking them in the basement until they can work out their differences. They call their plan Operation: The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan.

But Kevin Bacon, who's proven to be a pretty big dick by this point in the movie, doesn't want the United States and Soviet Union to stop fighting. He wants them to destroy each other so that he and his fellow thalidomide babies can take over the world. So he tells the X-Men to fuck off and then puts nuclear missiles in some country called "Cuber." I don't know where that is, but John F. Kennedy is the president so I'm sure he must know.

I liked this movie and would recommend it to most people.

This concludes my book report on X-Men: The First Class.