I know that you, sweet reader, have already heard about Nintendo reducing the cost of its 3DS system by $80 mere months after its launch. At half-past-eight o'clock in the evening of the same day I'm not going to pretend that this is news anymore, so I'll offer my unique thoughts on the matter instead. Don't act like you're uninterested in my opinion because why else would you be here if you weren't? Oh, you're a fan of Psycho Gorilla? Damn it, that's what they all say! All right, you're excused for this lesson.

To the four of you who have stayed, I ask what does such a drastic reduction in the 3DS's price so soon after its launch actually mean? For one thing, it means that Nintendo needs to start supporting its hardware with real games because this bullshit has been going on for a while. During the pre-launch discussions of the GameCube, a Nintendo representative stated that the company expected to provide 60-80 per cent of the system's titles (GameSpot). Now, we all remember the GameCube: it was a reliable little system with some great games, but not a lot of games. You may say that quality matters over quantity, but quantity ensures that there's at least something for everyone. If you prefer first-person shooters or RPGs over action-adventure games and platformers, the GameCube wasn't your system. And it wasn't the system for a lot of people, apparently, because it was the worst-selling console of its generation (unless you count the Dreamcast, but only hipsters still insist on doing that).

This kind of hipster.

When the Wii was announced, Nintendo was quick to promise that third-party support would be a stronger focus this time around. It was, but non-Nintendo games wound up selling as well as diahrrea soup. Developers said that third-parties have always had difficulty competing with Nintendo on its own systems, while players said that the third-party games were all shit. In reality it was probably a combination of both.

Currently there is just one upcoming Wii game worth caring about that is scheduled for a North American release—Skyward Sword. We literally couldn't even beg Nintendo to publish the likes of The Last Story or Xenoblade over here. There were letters and petitions, but Nintendo responded by basically un-friending us on Facebook.

They're now promising the same thing about stronger third-party support for the Wii U (also known as the Nintendo Police Noise), and companies like Ubisoft have been quick to jump on board with the new console. Those who have actually played any of Ubisoft's Wii launch titles, however, agree that those French bastards can go fuck themselves with a baguet. As for the rest, we'll have to wait and see what actually happens. My money is on continued bullshit, though, as third-party developers will likely utilize the Wii U's gimmicks in the most uninteresting ways ("Let's put extra buttons on the touch screen. Gamers love extra buttons!") and Nintendo will periodically release one of its own games every ten months until the system crawls under the porch to die alone.

So, after repeated failures to secure decent third-party support, Nintendo's finally being called out. The 3DS has been on store shelves for just under six months with only one good release in that time—a port of an N64 game that most people have already played—so it's no wonder why it's sold only 3.6 million units worldwide. To give some perspective, if that number were translated into inches, it would equal a dick of just three inches in length. A "mini-dick," one might call it. One might also call the owner of such a dick "a failure as a man and a lover."

Granted, there are other factors that have probably contributed to the 3DS's poor commercial response. Some people have complained that the 3-D effect causes eyestrain, and I can attest to that myself after having played Ocarina of Time 3D for almost an entire minute. Afterward I went to an optometrist who told me that I have pissing eye cancer. My eyes piss actual urine now, and they will continue to do so every day until I die because the 3DS's artificial screen depth gave me cancer in under sixty seconds.

Other people who hate the 3DS are probably just Sony fanboys who genuinely believe that the PS Vita won't be a total piece of shit. They're wrong, of course, but it's never cool to bash optimism.

As far as the 3DS's lack of games goes, though, I'm glad that Nintendo has finally had to step down from its pretty wooden box and greet the public on our level. We may see some actual product support for our two-hundred-plus dollar investments now that the issue has gotten around to biting Nintendo on its big, asian ass.

But, to be honest, who cares that much about games anyway?