Sorry about the lack of updates all day. I awoke this morning in the middle of a field and just now managed to reach civilization. I'm updating from a coffee shop on some asshole's Mac Book. Settle down and quit reading over my shoulder, asshole. You'll get your computer back when I'm finished updating and looking at porn.

Instead of trying to write up a news post for each thing that happened today I'm just going to group it all together Sunday Links style. Say hello to Tuesday Links, Sunday's younger, more attractive and rebellious sister who gets drunk on weekdays. I'm sure you'll get along famously.

"Poopocalypse" will be released on Xbox Live Arcade tomorrow, which is great news unless you're like me and don't own an Xbox 360. In which case you might want to flip over your desk and shout "fuck this" really loud. The game is described as a "twin-stick poop’em up" and features realistic bird shit physics and a freeform combat system where you fly to the right and shit on things, just like in Batman: Arkham City.

Alice: Madness Returns was released today, which is great news for people who weren't quite sure that Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland did a good enough job of raping Lewis Carroll's mathematically inspired story. At least American McGee didn't put his name in front of the title of this one. As a marketing strategy that was about as effective as putting M. Night Shyamalan's name on anything after The Sixth Sense.

Boromir was stabbed in a bar fight while defending a lady's honour and then went back inside to order another drink. The lady in question was a topless model named April Summers, so the question is do girls who take off their clothes for money still have any honour left to defend? The answer is yes, you queer.

Natalie Portman gave birth to a boy, which means she's pretty much useless now. A woman's sole job is to sire an heir for her husband and once that's done she just has to feed him and make sure he survives long enough to take over the family business/throne. I never thought I'd be saying this since I've had a crush on Natalie Portman ever since Star Wars, but you might as well chuck her into the "used" bin now.