Like the Jewish story of passover, E3 2011 has come and gone sparing those who obeyed God and didn't turn on G4 TV. Arguments will no doubt rage about who the winner of this year's show was, but stick with me if you want to know the real answer. I've got the goods, and I don't just mean what's in my pants because I'm not wearing any.

Nintendo had the Wii U, which sounds kinda gay but supposedly everyone is a little bit gay. At least that's what my soccer coach used to say whenever he'd take me out to dinner.

Sony apologized for their recent hacker infestation, and I forgive them because those things are like roaches: you try to sue one for harmlessly jailbreaking your hardware and then a thousand more show up in its place to ruin your shit. Sony is clearly the victim here.

Microsoft focused on Kinect, so good for those guys. I'm proud of them for sticking with Kinect even though it doesn't have any practical application outside of dancing games and tickling baby tigers. It's like hanging out with your retarded little brother even though he's totally not cool and all your friends have started avoiding you. Those Microsoft boys are saints.

So who was the overall winner? Why don't you take a look in the mirror because it was you all along.