DESCRIPTION:

You know those adventure/sci-fi shows, when they have those episodes where they encounter a primitive native tribe who inevitably worships one of them or the show’s villain as a god, often complete with carved totem pole in his/her/its name? Well, that’s what I’m doing this week with Steven Seagal. This seems very appropriate this week, since we finally got Bin Laden via Navy SEAL assault, and I have reason to believe it was Seagal Himself who took him out. Actor, musician, martial arts master and all-around invincible superhero, Seagal has had a very successful run this past year, being 2 for 2 in teaching UFC fighters how to destroy their opponents, single-handedly wristlocking terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden to death (don’t believe the news stories, that’s how it really happened, trust me, I was there), and busting perps as a New Orleans lawman. Notice how, in His movies, He never gets hurt or even scratched. Also notice how He’s irresistable to all women. That’s no coincidence; the man is no mere man. Also, in his never-released SNES game, Steven Seagal is the Final Option, it is literally impossible to die. He is the real-life Karnov.

METHOD OF WORSHIP:

This will be a week of pure macho and chauvinism wrapped up in a knuckle sandwich for anybody who even looks at me funny. Any movies I watch will only consist of fighting and fucking. Martial arts will be practiced for hours upon hours on end, any diet will go out the fucking window, and women in particular better look the fuck out. Notice His perpetual look of tired distaste and contempt. That gaze is going right your way, ladies, and I make no apologies for it. Any pool cue I see will become a weapon of disaster, and wrists better be hidden in their pockets, because trouble is coming your way. Oh, and if you point a gun at me, and you’re within 10 feet of me... you’re fucked. Pointing a gun at Seagal is the equivalent of shooting yourself in the mouth, so don’t even try. And if you’re further away, you’ll miss all your shots, or I’ll just deflect them with my hands or pool cue. As a follower of Seagal, I will be untouchable in all ways, and anything I say to you will be pure gold. If I lie to you right to your face, it’s blacktually the truth and for your own good. If I tell the truth, it’s like a word orgasm. And if you piss me off, man or woman, and I pick up so much as a sock, run the fuck away, because I could fuck you right up with that fucking sock. And if anybody can get me some of His energy drink, I will reward you handsomely...