DESCRIPTION:

The Aztec "snake woman" goddess of fertility, motherhood and warfare. Something about the Aztecs is just lazy when they lump fertility and warfare into one deity. I mean, at least make those two separate gods, unless the point of the whole thing was to illustrate to all of us that "love is a battlefield," a lesson clearly taken to heart by Pat Benatar while getting kicked out of her parents’ house by Nathan Arizona. Regardless, various sources seem to give her credit for creating humanity, promoting childbirth, then killing those humans in a warlike savagery, leading my expert anal-ysis to assume she was unofficially the first goddess of partial-birth abortion.

METHOD OF WORSHIP:

If my analysis is correct, the most appropriate offering I can give is to go into every maternity ward I can find, walk right in during delivery, and just start cracking baby necks like they were the enemies of Steven Seagal. Past that, Cihuacoatl mostly seems to reflect the personality of a bitter old bitch, so it’s too bad she can’t give me the powers of time travel so I can go back and bang Bea Arthur in Her name. Sources have made it unclear on who I should be fighting and who I should be fucking, so I’ll just take it that I should hit on every old lady I see on the street, good-naturedly walking them across the street with the ulterior motive of taking them home and fucking them savagely, while babies should be grabbed and punted like footballs. No matter which strategy I employ, it will be a daunting task of making it to the next update outside of a prison cell.