Alien Shooter 2 Review (PC)

No, this isn’t going to become another retro review site. I just don’t keep up with new releases, and when you’re writing about a game that’s three months old nobody finds it relevant or endearing. If I want to be hip with the kids I’ve gotta go way back to the far off year of 2006 for my review fodder. That’s the year Alien Shooter 2 was released and is also the year I vowed that, one day, I would take the game’s developer Sigma Team and make them my wife.

“Certainly you realize that there’s no legal way you can marry a corporate entity. Such tomfoolery will not be abided!”

Settle yourself, younglings, for I live in the great white nation of Canada Land, where a man can marry pretty much anything he wants—be it another man, a video game development studio or even a woman! Canadians may be known for our politeness, but that’s only so that we can take you back home and drill you six ways from Sunday (which, up here, is the coldest, darkest day of the week and can last up to eight months).

Alien Shooter 2 can be adequately described as Diablo with aliens, guns, aliens and aliens. Never has there been a more appropriate title for a video game: in Alien Shooter 2 it is up to you to shoot thousands upon thousands of aliens. I’m not sure what the 2 stands for, but I assume it means that you’ll be doing number two in your pants at how awesome this game is.

At the beginning of the game you can select a mercenary to play as from a list of pre-set dossiers: there’s the typical Joe Danger type, the bald neo-nazi, the ugly emo girl, an annoying bulldyke, an Asian Pokéfan and Seth Green. There’s also a list of perks to choose from that’ll help you along the way, and I chose to play as an ugly emo economist so that enemies drop more money for me to spend at the West49. I then named my character “DoucheCock”—a nice, respectable name for a priveleged, white suicide girl—and set off on my journey of self discovery.

I discovered that I think shooting aliens in Alien Shooter 2 is really, really, really great. Like, just about the best thing ever. And do you know what makes it even better? Every alien I shoot leaves a red, chunky stain on the ground and walls as a memento of my past accomplishments. If I had this much to show for my accomplishments in real life, my parents might even let me back into the family!

There’s a point to all the senseless killing, though, which would make it not so senseless, but the point is totally pointless so the killing is pretty much senseless. You’re playing as a mercenary hired by a seedy corporation to kill the aliens that they may or may not have attempted to hire and assign to desk jobs. I didn’t really pay attention to the story’s specifics, but the only things you need to take away from it are that aliens can’t be expected to work with spreadsheets and killing them doesn’t require a plot.

“But how are teh graphicx?” you are no doubt asking by now. Shut up, I’m getting to that! Impatient much!? Jeezus!

Alien Shooter 2 is a 2-D isometric game that looks like a 2-D isometric game. Have you played Baldur’s Gate? It looks like that. Or you could just look at any of the screenshots on this page or search Google to satisfy your deranged pixel-lust. Does anyone really need to describe the graphics in games to you? If I gave them an 8 out of 10 would that mean anything? Fine. They get an 8. Are you happy? Now the Metacritic summary of this review is going to say "8 out of 10! Superb!" and I’ll come across as some asshole who writes for IGN. I wish! (Seriously, IGN. Wanna hire me?)

If you’re still not convinced that Alien Shooter 2 is the right game for you, check out this eXclusiVe video review!