Earlier this month, my older brother and I successfully stole liquor from an in-law in Chicago that we don’t like and had verbalized just how much we’d like to take turns holding him while the other headbutts him in the nose in that very same trip. Then we would urinate on his fucking couch. While that part unfortunately never got to happen, we DID manage to take 4 bottles of Jameson Irish whiskey from his liquor cabinet in the middle of the night, stuff them in our bags, and drink them when we got back home. Between the two of us, they were all gone within a 24-hour period.

The point of that story is that Nintendo is at fault for my perception of justice for not putting Rush’n Attack on the VC.

And while I can live with the NES version not being there, since I’ve played it to death, and still do on my actual NES console (see PlayTheNES.com for more details on just how great that game is), the arcade game has still not managed to make it onto many (if any) respectable bigscreen services or compilations. Damn shame, because it’s among the manliest and toughest sidescrollers ever created. It makes beating the NES version look like beating Wii Fit. I won’t bother getting into specifics, but just trust me when I tell you it’s better than sex with at least 67 percent of the population. You can find it on the DS, but good luck squinting and surviving at the same time. In the meantime, you can play it on MAME or on a burned MAME4ALL Dreamcast disc. Go do that to prove you’re not a filthy communist sympathizer and giving me one good reason not to strangle you in your hotel room like Bobby Nguyen did to Vinh in Gleaming the Cube. It’s still not on VC.